You are loved
by Rueky Mitem
Summary: Dont read this! Its just a thing i wrote to vent my feelings. I ruin Kadar in this so just, go read something else, something worth reading.


**disregard this story. I vent my feelings by writing, please dont read this piece of crap story... turn back now.**

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><p>Why am I alive?<p>

I contribute nothing to this world, I'm a failure through and through. No matter how hard i try i can never do any good or please the ones I love, Im always messing up.

Malik cant see through the mask I wear... thank God... I make sure to always smile, always laugh, and always make sure to kiss the feet of those who are higher than me in the hierarchy of life. Im a good little Kadar.

That doesnt matter though, i can act it out, but i can never truly be. Ill always be a slave to myself and my faults, and i want to be whipped, want to be kicked, and spat on, because my faults make up who I am. But i also want to be loved... i want to be held, and kissed, i want to be treasured, but i can never deserve those things. Never.

I stare down at the water under the pier, im so far away from Masyaf, on a mission with my master. He's ditched me though, i kept screwing us up so he dumped me in a village, where ill stay until he returns with his kill. Ive been denied a place to sleep because i gave my master and I away, the people know im an assassin.

Wait, no. Im not an assassin, im a stupid lowly novice... forgive me for forgetting my place. I have no right to call myself an assassin, especially since im old enough to be an elite assassin... im just too dumb to get past the rank of novice.

Im ashamed to be alive, I disgrace Malik with my low rank and stupidity, i want to die, but im a coward and cant even make the world a better place by removing myself from it... I hope that soon, ill be once again, too slow to dodge or deflect an enemy blade, only i hope that this time it causes a wound that can not heal.

I look back down at the water and scoff at my reflection. "Stupid novice." I hiss at me. I even look dumb, my eyes are bright blue, uncommon here in the holy land, and big like a girl's. I look like a freak. My body isnt right either, not fit enough for the lifestyle of an assassin.

"You deserve to die." I say, glaring at my reflection, my eyes heat up and get blurry with tears. "No one would care, you contribute nothing to the creed. You only disappoint others and bring shame to Malik..." i add. "I hate you, you worthless dog."

I want to die. I want too die so badly. It hurts to breathe, to live, knowing that everyday im going to ruin someone else's day without even trying. To know that ill never amount to anything.

God please let me die! Why dont I die!?

Im home in Masyaf again, i put on my mask and hug Malik, who has also returned from a mission with Altaïr. I watch the two kiss and my heart aches. Neither of them know that i wanted to be with Malik that I love him with all my being. I know i would never be good enough for him anyway, even if he wanted me back, its bad enough to be a sodomite, but to lust after your own flesh and blood? I would be stoned or hung within the hour then they would do the same to my dear brother, i could never let that happen... I watch and smile as they break the kiss, tell them how lucky they are, and how lucky i am that they both care about me.

'Theyre unlucky to have you though.' The back of my mind spits, clawing at me and reminding me of the truth. I nod and they both give me a confused look, i just take it as another failure and leave.

I want to die but im a coward, i cant even bring myself to slice open my wrists, let alone end it all. Im weak, a coward. And my punishment must be to live with it, unable to find relief in death. Its my fault, my fault for everything... its my fault for getting our mother killed, for having him starve in the desert after our home was destroyed, for he would always give me the food. Its my fault that he wears the scars of a templar lash, he turned back while being chased to protect me. Its even my fault that Abbas has raped me, when i was full of life and didnt realize what an abomination i was, when i liked to show myself off, believing i was beautiful, Abbas taught me that lesson though.

The three of us are in Solomon's temple, we are on a mission to retrieve something. Im not allowed to know until the end, as I am still a dumb novice.

Altaïr moves too quickly, wanting to do his part, to make the world a better place by ridding it of an evil man. Perhapes after this I can ask him to do the same with me.

I wont have to though.

The wall crumbles, trapping everyone but Altaïr in the temple. "Men! To arms! Kill the assassins!" Robért roars. Malik draws his blade and fights back, stronger than all of them. I hesitate and look up at the objective, a golden orb. Without thinking i race towards it, yanking it free from the arc of the covenant.

A rare, true smile growls on my lips. I can help for once, and turn to help Malik, pulling my sword from it's sheathe, and Robért's pierces me from behind, tearing through my spine and stomach.

It doesnt even hurt, i stare at Malik, nonchalant as I fall forward, off the sword, and land on the ground. I can hear him screaming my name though, its the only thing i can hear, he lifts me into his arms and runs into one of the tunnels, eventually losing the templars. "No Kadar please!" He begs, laying me down and cupping my face.

"Malik..." i smile, tears starting to leak from my eyes, im finally going to die, finally going to help the world. "Shh... please dont cry, itll be ok, i-ill fix this, i-i prom-ise!" Malik starts to cry and pulls my tunic away, investigating the wound. I take his hand and pull it away, shaking my head. "No." I say.

He stares down at me, wide eyed and sobbing in disbelief. "No, you cant die!" He wails. "I want to." I say back, finally telling him my secret. He freezes and chokes on himself. "What?..." he asks. "I want to die." I repeat. "Im an abomination that has brought nothing but grief and suffering, ive wanted to die for years and years now, I was too cowardly to do it myself though..." i cough up blood, it feels good, the pain feels good.

"Kadar? But, but why? Why would you think that?!" Malik's crying again. "Why did you never come to me!? Why didnt you say anything i couldve helped!" He sobs, shaking my shoulders. "It wouldnt have helped..." i say. "And why not?!" I wince at his remark and sigh. "Because one big reason is because i wanted you! You are perfect! You are everything to me! Youre a god in my eyes! And ive wanted to be with you like you are with Altaïr. Im sick Malik, i wanted to sleep with you!" I shout as much as i can, which is pathetic and comes out like a squeak, even in death im a failure.

"Kadar..." he winces, then does something that blows my mind, he slams his lips into mine and pushes his tongue into my mouth. My eyes widen and i tear up, why? Why is he doing this now?!

I choke on his tongue and kiss back digging my fingers into his shoulders, tears pouring from my eyes, i dont want to die anymore! I dont want to die!

"I dont want to die'" i sob. Malik grimaces and strokes my cheek while trying to regain his composure. "I dont care what you think Kadar, you are not sick, you are my brother. You are gentle, kind, strong, smart, and loved. Kadar please, you _**ARE LOVED!**_ " He says, kissing me again, he moves desperatly, and i cry. I dont want to die anymore.

"Malik." I whimper, staring up at him, he's getting darker, the room is getting colder, i know im not going home... im going to die. "I love you Malik." I choke out past my tears. Malik's dam breaks and he sobs while hugging me close.

_**"YOU ARE**_** _LOVED."_**

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><p>Aaaaaaaand this story sucked, i hope none of you read it all the way through, because yeah it sucked, like i said i wrote this to vent my feelings. So just go read one of my other stories or someone elses stories. Whatevers. Bye Bye~<p> 


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